intimacy section 2

i started reading the book last night, 7 levels of intimacy.  wow i am so clueless.  i have operated from the perspective that if i don't open up then i can't be hurt.  you can't have intimacy without being open to getting hurt.  you can't have intimacy if you are always in control.  you have to open up and lose that sense of being in control.  i don't mean controlling, but i hope you understand what i am talking about.

the difficult part is do i even know what to open up about?  what to share?  i mean if you want to know ask, but that isn't always the right way.  i need to share my fears, my dreams, my failures and desires.  i would say goals, but let's get serious.  my goal is to live.

i would love to have someone to grow old with and share life with.  but i am so screwed up i don't know i should bring my level of screwed up into someone's life and complicate theirs. i do worry about that because i feel like i have complicated and screwed lives in the past. wow talk about off topic.

these last couple of weeks has opened my eyes to how much i need to change.  i mean very specific things in my life.  i want to change, i want to be a better person and a better man.  the desire is there but so is the feeling of being overwhelmed.  these things are root type of things.  some go very deep.  at 58...i need to become a new person basically.  i need to be replanted from the garden of the past to the garden of the future.