I was asked recently to seek God to find the goal He has for me. Well I am 58.....I guess my goal is to prove my mom wrong that I am not stupid. Ask me how that is going, not too well. I should have set that goal earlier I guess. I have had several goals in my life, none which seem to have been accomplished. I have achieved work success having started out as part time in retail and eventually working myself up to store manager of a department store about the size of Kohls, more or less. Personal goals not so much. I have a son who is....well just is. I have been married twice, guess that makes me unable to read people or their intentions.
So having been an associate pastor for 10 years.......it was a job, not a calling. As I look back God told me in Shreveport that I would work with young people, he never said I would be a pastor. I just sorta presumed. You know that promotions and raises always comes from God. Nope not always. Not to imply that not becoming a pastor would have changed the outcome of where I am in life.
I guess the truth of it is now I don't trust my own judgement. Also I am too tired to pursue anything. My goal every morning is to make it back to Buddy at night. Truthfully it is to make it back to bed. You see because my brain does stop when I sleep and the 'what if's' or 'what will be' or 'what is' are not there. There are no wrong decisions in sleep. No mistakes. No screw ups. No regrets.
I live in a depressing town.....stay in a depressing place.....work a depressing job. Job pays decent so that elements changing that. My depressing place is all I can afford and well my company isn't doing transfers so here I sit and sleep and dodge shooters and home invasion. Some days feeling trap in a life that I have no say in the directions. No control over it. Perhaps earlier but now, I am just too tired. My fight is gone.
Now to bed. Good night all.
