been a while

so...it has been a while and i figured you were due for an update.  i am doing much much much better...with one exception.  my shrink put me on abilify and she said i would probably gain between 30 to 50 lbs.  i can't handle that.  so here i lie at the crossroads....eat and get fat...or abilify.  i will let you know what i optioned for later.

i have seen my psychologist twice...i will refer to her from now on as Dr.  shrink light sounds demeaning.  shrink always referring to a psychiatrist.  

i have changed my morning routine.  i don't watch tv now until i leave for work.  i turn tv off. read some of my book, pray and just get quiet.  i like the quiet.  i am getting to where i like it more and more.  also if you have not read 'The Seven Levels of Intimacy' by Matthew Kelly.  you should, 'nuff said.  on my next days off i am going to start doing the 'codependant no more' work book.  i am working on me.  i am learning so much about me and about life and how to live.

i go back to see the shrink on the 25th and the DR on the 30th.  it's only money. well you can and it ain't cheap.  if buddy could only talk.  i will be starting another blog soon with some photos i have taken around savannah.  mostly at bonaventure cemetery.  

all for now, i am tired.  good night all and to all a good nigh

today......

shaw my shrink today.  i am now taking abilify as well as my other drugs.  she didn't want to change my anti-depressant and give me abilify.  also got some personal news today that i knew was coming but didn't want to hear it.  no you won't know what it is.  i have an appointment to see a psychologist tomorrow at the same office.

first let me tell you that the company i worked for, wincor-nixdorf, has transferred 46 techs to another company. not one they own but a whole different company. i will be working for burroughs. the bad part for me now is that my doctor's office does not take their insurance.  well that sucks. but why would anything be different now, right?

i am going to get better because i truly have no other options.  i am just tired....very tired...all the time.

tomorrow is another day....a better day....i need hope.....

At what point....

Do you just say 'Fuck it I am just screwed up' and learn to live that way with drugs to survive.....

the blues....

getting ready to fill out my forms for the shrink visit tomorrow.  i will probably type them and print them out because they didn't give me enough room to write my answers.  so i am listing to music on youtube.  love listening to beth hart and joe bonamasa.  if you want to hear their best song, in my honest opinion, go to youtube and search for, well wait there is the link:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgBff_8pJoQ .and then one song leads to another.  man can he play and she sing. this is their copy of an etta james song.  it ain't etta but it is damn close.  love me some etta james.

i took a pto day today and so that is why you are seeing so many posts from me.  i love blues music.  it is music that comes from the soul. weary travellers putting into words their struggles of life.  i can relate to a lot of what they say.

tired....just tired.  i wish life would settle down.  i thought years ago it had.  it probably would had if it wasn't for my bad decisions.  i know can't live in the past, but you have to live in it's shadows as a result of poor decisions.  so one then thinks how far back does the shadows go?  will i ever out run them or simply be overtaken by them.  i know i am suppose to look forward  but not sure how much forward i can look when i see the troubles of every day.

it would be nice to have a shoulder to lean on, but i screwed that up.  it would be nice to have someone close to go bowling or anything with.  so here buddy and i sit. well i sit buddy is always under the covers on the bed.

can one ever get tired of being tired?  i am not sure.  every day i wake up tired...work tired...come home tired...go to be tired.  then repeat.  people, outside of family, that know me see me as the funny. the guy who makes everyone laugh.  the one who is always up.  i can do that because it masks who i am and what i am going through.  it deflects away from me.  people say get out, get in a crowd.  it doesn't matter where i am, i can be lonely and usually am.  then pick yourself up and stop making yourself be blue and sad.  well once again i ain't making myself  be anything.  i could get real sarcastic here but it wouldn't do any good.  some of you will never get it.  some of you get it and what to tell me what to do to get over it.  frankly, keep it to yourself.  i truly don't want to hear it.  can a soul be made to stop feeling?  can a soul ease it's own pain?

i'd rather be a blind man....

I'd rather be a blind girl...(this is an awesome job of Etta James' song)

It is a long live version but I love Joe Bonamasa on guitar, saw him live, and Beth Hart.

Beth Hart & Joe Bonamassa - I'd Rather Go Blind. …: http://youtu.be/QgBff_8pJoQ

Thru the window of my mind....

Beth Hart - Thru the window of my mind en live da…: http://youtu.be/L68m64AYRDM

"Thru The Window Of My Mind"

I could fly away
Leave it all behind
I could take a train
But I would rather fly

I could escape
Through the window of my mind
But I’ll never leave you behind
I’ve seen the place where the broken people hide
I wanna know love before I die

Open the window
Open the window

I could steal a plain
The skies, the moon, the rain
I will make a change
I’d give anything

I could escape through the window of my mind
I’ll never leave you behind
I’ve seen the place where the broken people hide
I wanna know love before I die

I’m waiting, I’m waiting
For something, for nothing
I’m ready, I’m ready now

Open the window
Open the window
Open the window

I could escape through the window of my mind
But I’ll never leave you behind
I’ve seen the place where the broken people hide
I wanna know love before I die

Open the window
Open the window
Open the window

shrink....

well tomorrow is shrink day.  my appointment is at 9 in the morning.  there is so much going on both personally and professionally.  my company has let 46 field engineers, 1 senior tech and 1 area manager go.  well not actually go, but go to burroughs. they have signed over to burroughs areas they call 'low density market'.  so as of october first i will be working for burroughs.  for how long, who knows. just what i needed now.

i am looking forward to my appointment tomorrow.  i am hoping for new drugs.  i know drugs can't cure everything, i just want to mellow out. i want someone to at least direct me to a new perspective. i am not looking to be placated.  i am looking for direct talk. and good drugs.  i have so much i know i need to work on and that it is up to me to do it.   difficult not to feel overwhelmed at times.

i have forms to fill out so let me go.....go crazy that is.  lord how much more.

clarifying being alone...

i have lived in savannah for almost 4 years.  i have a very unique if not crazy work schedule. my schedule has me working most weekends. i am not a bar person nor a drinker really. hard to join groups that meet at regular times due to my schedule and unpredictable workload.

i am shy and actually timid if not in a one on one situation.  people think that i am so funny and outgoing i shouldn't have any trouble making friends.  well i do. that being said i am not sure how to fix or correct this sense of being alone.  being alone doesn't meant that i don't have family that cares about me and that i could call.  it means i have no one here to hang out with.  i have no one here to share shit with. texting, facebooking and emailing is not the same as sitting across from someone and talking.  i am not nor was not looking for anything, i was just making a statement.  if you have any idea how for me to make friends with my work schedule and unpredictable workload, feel  free.  no have pity or sympathy or even empathy for me please.  i was just making a statement.  take it at that.

make sense?

Up too late...over thinking as usual...

I am fine. I must come thru this stronger and wiser. I am just tired of new challenges. New hopes. It is easier to live a life with no expectations. No expectations then no  disappoints. How many more disappoints are left in me.I mean disappoints in me and my actions as well as others. How deep is the well of emontional strength?  Drawing from the well of hope and encouragement but  for how long?

How much more time.  Would be nice to have a fried here on Savannah. The last 4 years have been very challenging on that regard as I have none.

just feeling alone tonight....

just feeling alone....(please don't email or text me or facebook me the "you are not alone")...

intimacy section 2

i started reading the book last night, 7 levels of intimacy.  wow i am so clueless.  i have operated from the perspective that if i don't open up then i can't be hurt.  you can't have intimacy without being open to getting hurt.  you can't have intimacy if you are always in control.  you have to open up and lose that sense of being in control.  i don't mean controlling, but i hope you understand what i am talking about.

the difficult part is do i even know what to open up about?  what to share?  i mean if you want to know ask, but that isn't always the right way.  i need to share my fears, my dreams, my failures and desires.  i would say goals, but let's get serious.  my goal is to live.

i would love to have someone to grow old with and share life with.  but i am so screwed up i don't know i should bring my level of screwed up into someone's life and complicate theirs. i do worry about that because i feel like i have complicated and screwed lives in the past. wow talk about off topic.

these last couple of weeks has opened my eyes to how much i need to change.  i mean very specific things in my life.  i want to change, i want to be a better person and a better man.  the desire is there but so is the feeling of being overwhelmed.  these things are root type of things.  some go very deep.  at 58...i need to become a new person basically.  i need to be replanted from the garden of the past to the garden of the future.

emotional intimacy....

yep i have none.  if i don't share anything then it can't be used against me.  i can't be criticized or suffer sarcasm if i don't share anything. something i read asked about how you were raised.  was it ok to express feelings in your home?  un no.  did your family really know one another or were they simply operating as roommates living under one roof? uh YES.

just don't rock the boat.  keep the status quo.  being third in line of children the status quo had been set.  just don't bother us.  could be i learned some of this from being pastor's child.  you see my dad pastored country churches so the kids ran around outside after the service.  we would play tag or freeze tag.  if one of the kids that was running with me fell and started crying, i got the blame.  straighten up. fly right. no one had my back. no one defended me. no where to go but to myself.  not even when we were in the car driving home did anyone come to my defense. i had no one take my side.

i remember something today.  in 9th grade i took art thinking it would be easy or i needed an elective. i was working and not being disruptive.  i could not draw and still can't. i was not getting good grades.  mom went to talk to the teacher, who said i wasn't trying.  i was trying. did anyone bother to think this boy can't draw. uh no.  did my mom, un no.  i was told to try harder and do better. so i pretty much said screw this. i passed but barely.  just an example of my happy home.  i know no home is perfect but i think it would have been better to be ignored other than constant criticism.

i know we all have bad family stories.  i was a sensitive boy with not so sensitive parents.  you have probably notice my stories involve my mom and not my dad.  that is because he was uninvolved. in everything. not a game of catch ever. he even bought me a pitch back, a net you would throw the ball in and it would throw it back. never came out to shoot hoops. never asked or said anything. ever. period.

having said all this i am now reading the book, 'the 7 levels of intimacy - the art of loving and the joy of being loved'.  to bad i thought i knew it all and discovering now at 58 i know so far less than i could imagine.  it is like instead of being ahead you find out you are way behind.

so many things to deal with.....

anger....

Are you tired and irritable all the time? Have you lost interest in your work, family, or hobbies? Are you having trouble sleeping and feeling angry or aggressive, sad, or worthless? Have you been feeling like this for weeks or months?  Both men and women get depression. But men can experience it differently than women. Men may be more likely to feel very tired and irritable, and lose interest in their work, family, or hobbies.

who would think that feeling angry or aggressive and being irritable are signs of depression?  well in men they are.  before i was diagnosed with depression i can remember having these feelings and having no clue as to why or what trigger such over the top reactions.  normally i am such a easy going person.  and then BOOM.

the first time i was told this was my first visit to a psychologist during the divorce from miriam.  they were dead on.  as we discussed my history they were spot on.  good psychologist and drugs got me over it.

i am not.  not sure how much is from learned behavior, using it to manipulate people, or from my actual depression or from undiscussed and dealt with issues.  i am thinking mostly the latter.  

during my anger all reasoning that would be normal is gone.  in my mine mind i am right and even if you do apologize i will not let you forget it. imy behavior is almost juvenile, that comes from none of my mistakes being forgotten when growing up and being used against me.  and then i become angry at myself for my actions. each day is a loop. 

i need to get past this, way past this.  this is one of the things i am going to talk about with my shrink. and speaking of the shrink, i have an appointment this thursday at 9 AM.  whoo hoo. first step in a long journey called life.

had a migraine...and other thoughts

about 4 yesterday i got a migraine, too the rest of the day off. then woke up at 3:30 this morning coughing and my throat was really hurting.  i usually sleep on my side, well i had to sit up until i fell asleep. i must have fallen asleep with my mouth open or something. then buddy wanted to walk all over the bed.  i am tired, real tired this morning.

i need to learn how to let things go.  again learned behavior.  my mom carried hurts from her sisters until she passed.  she didn't attend some of their funerals and they lived in north carolina. i remember hearing her talk bad about them over things done to her years ago.  if you keep hurts and don't forgive the offender you only do harm to  yourself. the bible says we must be quick to forgive. wow i could have done without the word 'quick'.  if we don't then they turn to grudges. those are more difficult to over come.

i like to think of myself as being rather keen in watching people and picking out their habits and favorite phrases.  perhaps this is where i learned how to imitate the behavior of my parents, primarily my mom. our family was so spread out, age wise, and there being no sense of 'family' also was unique. plus hearing my mom say things about my sisters, things that should have been shared in private.  but then again she talked about her sisters the same way.

i am going to post later today about my anger issue.

wasted days and wasted nights...

never received a call from savannah psychiatry center. wasted a week on those guys. well not a whole week. i will try a different doctor's office monday. that really sucks because they had 3 shrinks on staff. all 3 accepting new clients.

i am reading 12 steps from AA.  i would recommend everyone read it.  while it deals with alcohol, it deals with life more and examination of oneself.  good principles to live by   i have heard it said that one cannot seek accept help until one wants to change. what about you, do you want to change.  i know i do.  i was told by my sister that my best days are ahead of me.  for that to be true, and i believe it is, i must change.  i have to change.  i will change.

nothing exciting to write about tonight.  going to bed now. i lived another week. i lived another day. that's about it. good night.

must be good money in treating crazies

not getting a return phone call from the shrink my insurance listed, i drove by there this morning.  there were a lot of cars and it is a nice 2 story office.  i went to the front desk and the lady handed me a form to fill out.  i thought the form was not as inquisitive  as other doctor forms.  well i found out why.  they give the form to a person who will then interview me before i can make an appointment.  do i have to prove i am crazy enough?  i would hate to be rated a 3 when i have to be a 4.  they know i have insurance.  they know i have seen a psychologist before. they know i am on happy and sleepy pills. so now i will get a call today or tomorrow from this interviewer.  don't they know crazy people don't like complicated.  a yes or no at the front desk would have suffice. 

i may be adding fear of rejection to my depression.

forward

i have deleted my previous postings to this blog because now it is all about the future and not the past.

difference between depression or feeling depressed

click on the next sentence for the full article. Difference between depression and feeling depressed

"Although depression is often thought of as being an extreme state of sadness, there is a vast difference between clinical depression and sadness. Sadness is a part of being human -- a natural reaction to painful circumstances. All of us will experience sadness at some point in our lives. Depression, however, is a physical illness with many more symptoms than an unhappy mood.

The person with clinical depression finds that there is not always a logical reason for his dark feelings. Exhortations from well-meaning friends and family for him to "snap out of it" provide only frustration, for he can no more "snap out of it" than a diabetic can will his pancreas to produce more insulin."

call the shrink's office twice today with no call back.  i will be driving by there tomorrow. i mean really?!?

although i do suffer from clinical depression i cannot use that as an excuse for my actions.  i have done that in the past.  i have used it to manipulate as well.  some of that was learned behavior.  my mom did that. i watched and learned.  i also learned to excuse my actions and place blame on others for them. 

i have not accepted a lot of blame for my actions, responses and my words.  i am very much to blame for all of it.  communication is the key and i suck at that.  expressing how i feel, what i need and what i don't need. not keeping a lid on my feelings until they explode.  learning how to express myself verbally without an accusatory tone.  learning to be calm and stay calm and at peace.  learning how to  be part of the solution and not the cause of the problem.  it isn't always about me.  learn to acknowledge my weaknesses.  listen when someone tells me i am not.  try to hear what is being said and know the difference between that and what i want to hear.  if i don't understand ask until i do.  go the extra mile myself and not just expect others to.  understand that there is always a different side to everything than mine.  my way is not always right. and for God's sake, learn to SHUT UP!

simply put, to do undo others as i would have them do unto me.  

Guns N Roses - Patience

Guns N Roses - Patience (Youtube)

1,2,1,2,3,4
[whistle]
Shed a tear 'cause I'm missin' you
I'm still alright to smile
Girl, I think about you every day now
Was a time when I wasn't sure
But you set my mind at ease
There is no doubt
You're in my heart now

Said, woman, take it slow
It'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said, sugar, make it slow
And we come together fine
All we need is just a little patience
(patience)
Mm, yeah

I sit here on the stairs
'Cause I'd rather be alone
If I can't have you right now
I'll wait, dear
Sometimes I get so tense
But I can't speed up the time
But you know, love
There's one more thing to consider

Said, woman, take it slow
And things will be just fine
You and I'll just use a little patience
Said, sugar, take the time
'Cause the lights are shining bright
You and I've got what it takes
To make it, We won't fake it,
I'll never break it
'cause I can't take it

[whistle]
...little patience, mm yeah, mm yeah
need a little patience, yeah
just a little patience, yeah
some more patience, yeah
need some patience, yeah
could use some patience, yeah
gotta have some patience, yeah
all it takes is patience,
just a little patience
is all you need *

I BEEN WALKIN' THE STREETS AT NIGHT
JUST TRYIN' TO GET IT RIGHT
HARD TO SEE WITH SO MANY AROUND
YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE
BEING STUCK IN THE CROWD
AND THE STREETS DON'T CHANGE
BUT BABY THE NAME
I AIN'T GOT TIME FOR THE GAME
'CAUSE I NEED YOU
YEAH, YEAH, BUT I NEED YOU
OO, I NEED YOU
WHOA, I NEED YOU
OO, ALL THIS TIME **
(ah)

November Rain

 November rain can come in any month.

Guns and Roses - November Rain

ay Music

"November Rain"

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same

'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain

But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away

If we could take the time
to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time... on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my own
Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time... on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

wow where to begin....

no sarcasm or mockery tonight folks.

i learned a lot today from a good friend about myself.  i have so many learned practices and habits to overcome.  it was eye opening to me.  i mean at 58 you think i would know.  now they seem so obvious like a wart on a witch's nose.  the challenge to me is can i change.  i mean at 58 how many are hard core, if any.  i am scheduling an appointment with a shrink tomorrow.  need to work on me and adjust my drugs to help. the challenge we all face is once we know what needs to be changed, is can we change?  especially at 58.  i mean life patterns.  how deep are the groves in my life?  some people live for challenges but this one is special to me.

friends who are not honest with you when it is not easy to hear are priceless.  i do not want to just white wash the problems. i want to get the root and get it out.  i still have a lot of good years to live, i can't live them the way i am now.  i see that now.  if the tree of this truth had been any closer i would have a splinter in my nose. now is the time to change.

i will be forever grateful to my friend. because few people get a chance to get a new lease on life at 58. i know going in i must be honest with myself and the shrink and i will.  i must follow their instructions and i will.  some people invest in art classes or new hobbies.  i am investing in me. besides i can't afford art classes or a hobby.

thank you friend....forever you will be remembered.  i am truly indebted.

I was asked.....

I was asked recently to seek God to find the goal He has for me.  Well I am 58.....I guess my goal is to prove my mom wrong that I am not stupid.  Ask me how that is going, not too well.  I should have set that goal earlier I guess.  I have had several  goals in my life, none which seem to have been accomplished.  I have achieved work success having started out as part time in retail and eventually working myself up to store manager of a department store about the size of Kohls, more or less.  Personal goals not so much.  I have a son who is....well just is.  I have been married twice, guess that makes me unable to read people or their intentions.

So having been an associate pastor for 10 years.......it was a job, not a calling.  As I look back God told me in Shreveport that I would work with young people, he never said I would be a pastor.  I just sorta presumed.  You know that promotions and raises always comes from God.  Nope not always.  Not to imply that not becoming a pastor would have changed the outcome of where I am in life.

I guess the truth of it is now I don't trust my own judgement.  Also I am too tired to pursue anything.  My goal every morning is to make it back to Buddy at night.  Truthfully it is to make it back to bed.  You see because my brain does stop when I sleep and the 'what if's' or 'what will be' or 'what is' are not there.  There are no wrong decisions in sleep.  No mistakes. No screw ups. No regrets.

I live in a depressing town.....stay in a depressing place.....work a depressing job.  Job pays decent so that elements changing that.  My depressing place is all I can afford and well my company isn't doing transfers so here I sit and sleep and dodge shooters and home invasion. Some days feeling trap in a life that I have no say in the directions.  No control over it. Perhaps earlier but now, I am just too tired.  My fight is gone.

Now to bed. Good night all.