emotional intimacy....

yep i have none.  if i don't share anything then it can't be used against me.  i can't be criticized or suffer sarcasm if i don't share anything. something i read asked about how you were raised.  was it ok to express feelings in your home?  un no.  did your family really know one another or were they simply operating as roommates living under one roof? uh YES.

just don't rock the boat.  keep the status quo.  being third in line of children the status quo had been set.  just don't bother us.  could be i learned some of this from being pastor's child.  you see my dad pastored country churches so the kids ran around outside after the service.  we would play tag or freeze tag.  if one of the kids that was running with me fell and started crying, i got the blame.  straighten up. fly right. no one had my back. no one defended me. no where to go but to myself.  not even when we were in the car driving home did anyone come to my defense. i had no one take my side.

i remember something today.  in 9th grade i took art thinking it would be easy or i needed an elective. i was working and not being disruptive.  i could not draw and still can't. i was not getting good grades.  mom went to talk to the teacher, who said i wasn't trying.  i was trying. did anyone bother to think this boy can't draw. uh no.  did my mom, un no.  i was told to try harder and do better. so i pretty much said screw this. i passed but barely.  just an example of my happy home.  i know no home is perfect but i think it would have been better to be ignored other than constant criticism.

i know we all have bad family stories.  i was a sensitive boy with not so sensitive parents.  you have probably notice my stories involve my mom and not my dad.  that is because he was uninvolved. in everything. not a game of catch ever. he even bought me a pitch back, a net you would throw the ball in and it would throw it back. never came out to shoot hoops. never asked or said anything. ever. period.

having said all this i am now reading the book, 'the 7 levels of intimacy - the art of loving and the joy of being loved'.  to bad i thought i knew it all and discovering now at 58 i know so far less than i could imagine.  it is like instead of being ahead you find out you are way behind.

so many things to deal with.....